In Red Letters

I have been musing lately over the idea of dedicating the next few posts (or how ever many it will take) to "conflict in red letters", meaning...dissecting everything that Jesus had to say about conflict.  The idea is not original. My pastors have been preaching a series entitled "In Red Letters" for several weeks now.  They've talked about everything from "money in red letters" to "woman in red letters" but nothing on conflict...so I think I'll give it a go.

So starting in Matthew, chapter 5, verse 9.. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons [and daughters] of God" (NIV)

The word used for "peacemakers" is eirenopoios which translates to "reconciler" and "one who lives a life whose tenure and effect is peace and reconciliation and not aggression, hostility, antagonism or combativeness" (Hebrew-Greek Key Study Bible, 1996, lexical aids, p.1650)

There is a quirk of irony here.  For most of my life I have been combative - always needing to be right, never wrong,  always having to win the argument, never lose, always needing to save face, never allowing someone else the dignity of same, always valuing the rules and expectations of so called "right and wrong behavior" to the detriment of the relationship and seldom valuing the relationship or the person I share it with.

It is with humility that I sit and ponder with wonder at the changes in my heart that compel me to be a peacemaker and so, from the heart of  this peacemaker to the heart of any other peacemaker who might be wondering what Jesus had to say about conflict, I hope you'll join me in an exploration of "Conflict in Red Letters"

..but when is it appropriate?

I was talking today - as I am wont to do - about my learning and healing through spiritual 12 step.  I am amazed how teachings that were incorporated into my life over 10 years ago still inform all that I do today and continue to impact me in ways that help me heal and grow.  Anyways, we were talking about step 8 and 9...

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

and the question arose..When is it appropriate to make amends and how do we know whether to do so will harm them or others? 

My hunch is that the answer to these questions is found in another...what is compelling you to make the amends?  What is motivating you, the desire to alleviate and heal the pain you caused them or the need to lesson some of the guilt and shame you carry over it?  I believe this step takes much self awareness and even purer motive.

As for how do we know when it's appropriate, as we pondered this question, I was reminded of Matthew 5:23 that says, "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the alter. First go and be reconciled to your brother and then come and offer your gift".

Initially I thought, "what does that have to do it with it?" but then it occurred to me, the appropriate time to go make amends is when the Holy Spirit tells you to.  Whether we are in an act of worship, prayer, meditation or simply going about our day to day business, it seems that there will inevitably come a time where we remember  someone we have harmed and I believe that remembering is prompted by the Reconcilor Himself.  And I believe that the reason that the remembering is occurring at  this time and in this place is because the Reconcilor Himself has prepared the heart of the other person to receive the amends in that time and that place.

Step 8 taught me the importance of becoming willing to make amends. Willingness is the key.  How often I have prayed "Lord, make me willing to become willing", and willingness snuck up on me. Or I  prayed, "Lord, I invite you to make my heart willing", and He did.  But willingness does not necessarily indicate appropriate timing.   Perhaps the advent of willingness simply suggests that my heart is prepared for amends and reconciliation while the onset of remembering confirms that theirs is too.   Perhaps that is how we know when it is appropriate and possible to makes an amends that will restore rather than injure them.

Speaking of specks....

...have you ever wondered at the size of a speck?
...ever thought about the part of the body a speck is in?
...would you allow someone with long nails to remove it? 
...would you let someone with a big, open mouth and bad breath get close enough to remove it?
...would you allow someone who you hardly know get close enough to remove yours? 


Metaphorically speaking, if I had a speck in my eye (and trust me, there's a floater in there all the time) I would want someone I know very well and trust even better to remove it.  Someone without claws.  Someone who I like and love enough that they can get right up close in my face, bending over me, mere inches away, to remove the speck, and who wouldn't use their open big mouth and bad gossipy breath to talk about it with others afterwards.  Someone I'm geniunely close with.  You can't remove a speck from a safe distance.  You have to get really, really close in, to see it, then you have to maybe lift the lid a bit, and maybe even touch the eyeball.  I wouldn't want just anybody doing that!

I think that's the point.  In Christ's teaching about hypocrisy and judging (Matt. 7:1-5), He does not say never remove specks.  He says remove your log first, and then you will see clearly enough to remove the speck....in your brother's eye.  I believe He is suggesting an intimate relationship here...friends so close they're like brothers and sisters; or brothers and sisters so close, they've earned the passport of friends.   Only people in loving relationship - whether they be friends, mentors, sisters, brothers, parents et al - have the passport (right of entry) into another's life to the point that they can remove a speck safely, lovingly and with care.

Just something to think about.

It's a Hard Thing

....but it's a very hard thing.

... I was reading scripture the other day.  Jesus was teaching the disciples about forgiveness.  He told them that if a "brother sins against you, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to saying, "I repent", you shall forgive him", (Luke 17:4)

and the disciples responded with "Increase our faith" (Luke 17:5)

and the Lord replied, "If you have the faith the size of a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, be pulled up by the roots and be planted in the sea, and it will obey you" (Luke 17:6)

That passage struck me.  Is Jesus being ironic or is He suggesting that we don't need faith to forgive the hard things? 

I like that the disciples realized immediately how hard forgiveness is.  Upon hearing 7 times - the number of completion - you can almost hear them proclaiming "What?!" followed by, "Impossible - give us faith!"

But maybe we don't need faith so much as we need attitude, willingness, and trust.  Maybe the "faith" comes when we start with being willing to be made willing to forgive. 

Christ's teaching on forgiveness is radical.  In today's culture, we don't harken to words like "sin" and "repent" so the passage is easy to overlook.  While forgiveness is attractive - it's almost a buzz word in restorative justice circles - not too many people believe in sin or repentance anymore.  So, let's switch it up and imagine how Jesus would say it today...

"If someone hurts you, confront them about it - don't yell, attack or be passive aggressive towards them, but rather, graciously and respectfully point out how their word or deed or action impacted you -  be assertive; if they realize the harm they caused, take ownership and give a genuine apology, extend them your forgiveness - be reconciled to them...don't hold it over them, but rather move on...and if they do it again, and again, and again, as long as they are realizing they keep tripping up and continue to be apologetic, you continue to forgive them"....

It's a hard one!  And totally opposite what culture says we ought to do it.  When we've been inculturated to look out for number one we are also justified to sever relationship with those who harm us.  Doesn't it just FEEL better to hold it against them?

Like the disciples said, "Increase our faith."

A Quirky Way of Talking

I've been paying attention to language and words lately, really focusing in on what people say and how they say it and there's a quirky thing many, if not all, people do when they talk about things that touch on their emotions.  Maybe you've noticed it, and if not, I encourage you to listen for it. 

What's the quirky way of talking that I'm talking about?

You're talking to someone and they're telling you a story, and you ask them a question that gets them to think about their emotions, something like "So, when that happened, what was it like?"  or "how did you feel?"  or "well, I can't imagine what you were feeling"... and they answer back as if they are talking about you...like this...

Story teller: relays story about almost getting hit by a car...

Your response:  "wow, that must have been scary"

Story teller: "yeah, for sure, like,  you just sort of freeze and then the adrenaline hits and you get all, like, "what if" and then you get freaked out,  you get angry...."

Have you noticed that?    Next time you watch an interview on TV where the interviewer is asking the interviewee how they felt or how  they reacted to some stressful event and inevitably, the answer will contain things like:

"well, you just never know what's going to  happen"  or
"you just shut down and keep functioning" or
"you get scared and you gotta find someone to talk to"

Why don't people talk from the perspective of "self" - why the tendency to talk from the perspective of "you"?  

Why not simply answer the questions with "I just shut down and kept functioning" or "I got scared and needed someone to talk to".  Are they distancing themselves from feeling?

It's  a quirky thing I've been noticing and I think it's kinda interesting.

The Healing Power of Friends

Today's learning at the JI centered on trauma, children and youth.  What a day!  Talking about children and trauma is always a slog for me; I at once cringe at my own memories and rejoice at the healing and wholeness I find myself in.  Today was no different, except that I got a Holy Spirit visit on the drive home - He is always so welcome!  He confirmed for me that He is/has/continues to teach me to love the least of these, which in a sense, is miraculous, given there was a time I believed myself so broken and empty, dissociated and depersonalized, loving was simple not possible.  But I digress...

The instructor (Linda Pearce, PhD) told us that researchers studying the affect of trauma in childhood specifically looked for reasons that some children grew up to be healthy, whole adults,  while others did not.  Personality, trauma type, race, creed, socio-demographic, and family of origin issues aside, they were perplexed by the fact that you could have siblings exposed to the same trauma events and when they became adults, some thrived and other's didn't.  How come?  Research discovered that the single contributing factor to functionality in childhood, youth and teen years, along with successful recovery in the adults who were thriving,  was a strong, secure, powerfully attached relationship with someone when they were between the ages of 9 - 12.  The someone could be a friend, coach, teacher, or relative, but in all cases, each thriving adult had just such a supportive and integral relationship when they were 9 - 12 years old.   Hows that for the power of a true friendship?!

So, I thought about it - and for me that proved to be true.  I had Susan B - she was my bestest, BFF from the time I was 5 thru to when she moved away when I was 12.  Susan was such an encourager; when other kids were more popular and wanted to include her, she stuck with and by me; she stood up for me when other's teased, and I'll never forget the day she told me they were moving.  Susan and I hid in a culvert and cried like there was no tomorrow (which for us, there wasn't)  The irony is that despite how close we were,  she never knew about the abuse until I told her when I was in my 30's (good thing too, considering what I'll be learning about vicarious trauma tomorrow!)

Besides my sister and a couple of my cousins, I have had one other incredibly supportive friend in my life since Susan, and that is Tina.  She is one of those friends who asks appreciative though hard questions - she likes to get me to check my motives and I find that endearing about her.  We all need friends who hold up a mirror and challenge us to take a long hard look, and  when Tina does that with me, she doesn't get put off by the ugly I sometimes find in the mirror. 

We are meant to be in relationship - it's where healing takes place.