Who am I? And Other Questions from Childhood...

I just spent the last several weeks working on a project for school and in the course of that work, something struck me.  Children from broken homes loose their identities. 

People often assume that the affect of separation and divorce on a child is an emotional and psychological issue, and to an extent they are correct.  But it is also an ontological issue as well...in fact, I would go so far as to say that it's almost all an identity issue.   The two people who's very coming together was the reason you exist are no longer together, hence, at the very core of your being, you question the reason for your existence.  Hence, kids from broken homes begin to act out in ways informed by the search for identity.


This is something that I had not thought of before.  My own memories of what it felt like to experience my parents separation were overshadowed by the sexual abuse that began within months of that event but I will say this - I always thought my search for self, identity, meaning, and purpose was borne out of the wounding from the abuse, but I know now - that wounding took root the day my dad drove away and the roots became entangled vines in my heart each time my mother told me I was just like him. 

Throughout the course of the project, I studied and researched about a group of teens who acted out in harmful ways.  Each was a child of divorce and the common discourse among all of them was that they had no idea who they were or where they belonged.  Belonging fell out from under their feet the day their parents divorced.  When two people meet, marry, and have children, the children "belong" to them - they were created by them, have their "being" and "belonging" from them, and when they cease to exist (as a couple and as a family), so does the child's sense of being and belonging. No wonder children of divorce seek out belonging in other ways and means then do children from undisturbed families.   Every person I knew growing up who was a child of divorce became sexually active younger, more frequently, and indulged in much  riskier behavior, all in the search for belonging.

I am not saying this to lay a guilt trip on people who have experienced divorce.  I have compassion for those who make this choice and understand the complexity of the choice.  What I am trying to convey though is an understanding that when it comes to serving the children of divorce, all aspects of the wounding must be addressed.  It is not enough to create for them a safer home, free of fighting and chaos and it is insufficient to concentrate on only their emotional and pyschological well being - their sense of self must be addressed and it needs be understood that the ontological displacement - the sense that "I no longer exist" - is probably the deepest issue that must be explored and healed.

I spent my entire life depersonalized - not only not knowing who I was but also not knowing what I was feeling or even how to feel.    It is the worst sensation in the world - ungrounded, floating, non existant, blank.  It took years and years to understand the displacement and begin healing.  I still struggle with it, and can't help thinking that had I understood how my parents divorce affected me ontologically I could have cut through the chase for being/identity and into healing much quicker...because after all, my being and existence ultimately come from my Creator, who despite what my parents had to say about it, wanted me all along.