Peace Treatments

We humans have a natural tendency to blame, and I've often said that our default position of defensiveness, which always includes blame, is one of the most problematic things about being human. It is my opinion that the first sin was disobediance to God; the second sin was defending that disobediance by deflecting and blaming, and this has been part of our inherited Adam DNA ever since. When God confronted Adam about his disobediance, the response He got back was " The women whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree and I ate". Adam blamed God first and then he blamed his wife. The immediate need that this sin "triggered" was a need for justification and from that moment on God's plan to atone and justify man from his sin was put into place. (Actually the word says that even before the foundation of the world, this plan was in place, but that's just way to vast a truth for me to even attempt to understand!) Suffice it to say, Jesus Chri

So, I woke up in the wee hours of the morning after posting my last post, with this question in my head... "what about the things you daydream as the solution to your problems, do you find so appealing?" and I thought back to the post I'd written, and particularly, the 2007 journal entry I'd made, and knew I was about to join Holy Spirit in a little unpacking. There was a time in the not so distant future that running away, just starting all over again, ALONE, was the answer to the pain I felt. Just get me out of the circumstance, and all will be well. I've learned since then that no matter where I go, there I am, and it's not the circumstance that has me in pain, it's me, my feelings, my undealt with stuff, the things that God wants to heal in me. We keep meeting the same people over and over again, and that person is you! Nothing changes until we have the courage to allow God to expose our hearts and change us from within. But I digress.... In the wee ho

I took a road trip this past weekend. Spent 9 hours each way, alone in my car, talking to God, listening to worship music, singing along, and contemplating His goodness, His graciousness and His overwhelming patience and mercy towards me. He truly is a life giver. I took my journal on the journey (gee, I just got that...a journal is where we document our journey to date) and I read thru it, and was thoroughly reminded of His infinite love towards me and mine. Here is an entry from December 4, 2007.... " I'm depressed. My mood is sour. I'm bored, I feel far far away from God and my daydreams turn to fantasies of being alone with a clean slate. Paul Tripp says being in the middle of anything is the hardest place to be. I thought about that, and he's so right. In the middle of a fight, in the middle of a loveless marriage, in the middle of a stagnant career, in the middle of redemption that doesn't feel very redeeming. We are caught in the in between, the mi

When you think about conflict, what is the first "feeling" you associate with it? If you are like me, you are probably thinking about feelings like anger, fear, or embarrassment. Depending on how you "do" conflict, you may be thinking about feelings like disappointment, disheartened, anxious, bewildered, baffled, or think of feelings that touch on your vulnerability, like fragile, helpless, insecure or shaky. Or if the conflict you are thinking about involves someone you don't care about, perhaps the feelings that come to mind are detached, apathetic, indifferent. When I began this exploration into conflict in 2004 (seriously, has it been that long? ) I was still in the midst of doing my 12 step work, and healing from years of physical and sexual abuse, and really had no clear concept of "feelings". The teachings I had received in my earlier church days was that feelings were to be discounted, that we "go by faith, not by feelings", and this,

We went out to the wilderness about an hour or so east of us yesterday. We wandered thru one hundred year old tunnels, an old growth forest, and watched salmon in a crazy fast river stopped in a pool, resting. It was quite the sight actually. A clump of about 2 dozen or so salmon, all stopped, side by side, gathering their strength for the next set of crazy, high, fast, rapids that were only about 25 yards upstream from them. We waited and waited to see them attempt the falls, and gave up waiting, on account that they were resting longer than we were prepared to wait. (there's a lesson in there too I think) Walking further on downstream from the resting salmon, we came upon another set of fast rapids, over jagged, ragged, rocks, and I thought, "yeah, no wonder they're having to rest". Not only had they come thru some dangerous, and exhausting rapids, but they had an even larger rapids and falls still to get through. But before the attempt, they were quietly

Here's what came to me as I was driving today. Genesis 4 tells us about the story of Cain and Abel. Now I've heard many theories as to why God favoured Abel's offering over Cain's, the most common being that Abel gave God "the firstborn", meaning first fruits, while Cain gave God simple "fruit from the ground". I've also heard it said that Abel's offering involved a blood sacrifice, while Cain's did not. However, nothing in the telling of the story supports those reasons. For one thing, one would have to assume that there was already a written code or law concerning blood and other sacrifices, and in fact, there was nothing encoded in the law about sacrifices until Moses. But I digress. What is interesting in the story of Cain and Abel is that we often read it as an event that transpired very quickly ie: two brothers come and sacrifice, one is rejected, gets mad, gets jealous and murders his brother, end of story. However, something jumpe

I read a lot of books! Particularly when it comes to leadership, communication and conflict transformation. What I find so interesting, and even faithbuilding, is that many of the authors, most of whom write from a secular and or humanist perspective, espouse "theories" that have much truth in them. For example, in Marlilee Adams book, "Change Your Questions, Change Your Life" (Barret-Koehler Publishers, Inc.) she writes a simple, easy to remember "strategy" for when we find ourselves reacting in judgement to someone. She acronym's it with ABCC: A - awareness B - breathe C - curious C - choice Adams says that we humans almost always react to circumstances involving other people from a judger perspective, and when we do this, we tend to ask questions like "who's fault is this" and "how can I prove I'm right", or "how can I get them to do what I want", thereby leading each into the typical power struggle that occ

There is always a way that seems right to man. There is always a way that is unsure. There are always questions that need asking and answers that need questioning. And through it all, we are on a road well travelled. We don't always see our destination; sometimes we miss the markers or due to hazards and construction, need to take detours. And still, we stay on the well travelled road. I am staying on my well traveled road, this road I've been on for many years now, that one that has been preparing me for where I will eventually go. Having been on this road for so long, there is a real temptation to take the exit ramp to a "tourist attraction" and stop the journey for awhile, and just rest. In hindsight and reflection, I see the offer of the restorative action position as being that "tourist attraction" and this time, at least, I'm not to take the ramp, but rather, am to stay on my well travelled road, if for just a little bit longer. If I had my way

When the sun went down one evening last week, as I admired it, and took this photo, it did not occur to me not to trust that it would come up again the next morning. Nor did it occur to me to pray for clarity so that I could know for sure that it would indeed come up, or what to do in preparation for it's arrival. The sun setting and rising everyday is a "given". Knowing that it happens does not require clarity, and we automatically trust that it will do what it is supposed to do. I understand that we all need clarity sometimes, and am beginning to understand that clarity is not half as important as trust. A man seeking his life's purpose went to Calcutta to meet with Mother Theresa. She asked him, "how would you have me pray?" The man said, "pray that I will have clarity." Mother Theresa said, "no, I will not pray that you have clarity, I will pray that you have trust." I have come to believe that I have a life purpose, which in

In 2003, while starting my training in restorative justice mediation, there was a man from South Africa in my class. He told us about the Truth and Reconciliation work that his country was doing. He did not gloss it over. He said that truth, forgiveness and reconciliation comes hard, with a price sometimes, and that there are many who do not see the value in forgiveness; they want revenge and don't want to see their enemies forgiven. This has long been the human condition, hasn't it? Jonah did not want to see God extend his Grace and Mercy to the people of Ninevah; he wanted to see those people punished. We humans have a much harder time with forgiveness then we think. While we want forgiveness and mercy for ourselves, we sometimes secretly hope that somehow it will be missed by our enemies. I was talking to my husband about this while camping this past week. We talked about how some believe that there are "some sins" that are just unforgivable. I do not bel

There has been this prevailing desire within me to get a degree. For several years now I've wanted to attend Trinity Western University and complete either a psychology or sociology degree. Then, from there, to complete a masters degree in conflict management. Time and money have been the reasons that I've put off actually doing it. Excuses maybe? But why not? So, I took a step a few weeks ago. I sent an email to the admissions department, basically laid it all out there, as in "hi, I'm a 48 yr old women, working professional, who dropped out of highschool...what are the chances of TWU admitting me?" I received a call back a few days later. The lady on the phone explained PLAR (prior learning and life experience) and I'm now enrolling in a PLA course where they will help me put together a porfolio of all my prior learning, life and work experience, volunteer experience and, yes, even the self learning I've done by way of books I've read. Interest

The Vancouver Sun posted a story last week about the Reena Virk murder, and how one of the youth involved in her death has been granted parole and is on his way to a new life, with new beginnings that were birthed in the restorative justice process he went thru with the parents of the girl he helped kill. By contrast, the co-defendent in the case is still going through the courts. I believe her 3rd appeal was just heard, and each time she refuses to "woman up" and take responsibility for her own actions, and goes to another appeal, she drags the parents of the murdered girl through the same horrific memories. I've met the young man who owned what he did, confessed his sin, and as a result, sought and was granted forgiveness. He exudes a new kind of life and you find yourself rooting for him. I've not met the young girl who is still stamping her feet in a defiant "not guilty". And I don't have to meet her to know that she is devoid of feeling and lif

We have been attending back at our local church here in our hometown. This is the church that I attended about 5 years ago, and left to attend a smaller fellowship in the town next door. There are many things that I miss about that smaller fellowship, not the least of which are the people and the teaching. It was here that I learned more about God as Father. I will forever cherish my days there. And it's time to move on, which in this case, might mean "move back" to where we started. Full circle I wonder? So, this morning the pastor preached a terrific sermon out of 1 John. He preached on how sin confounds our fellowship, first with God and then with eachother, and how the only restoration there is, is confession. Confess your sins, and He is faithful and just to forgive you. No exceptions, no if, and, buts or maybe's about it. It's that simple. You know, you hear something over and over and over again, and sometimes, it just gets in there in a whole new

I finished my last post suggesting that we develop gratitude. That gratitude changes your perspective on everything. This afternoon, while commenting on a friends blog about baby birds and nests, something occurred to me. You see, there is a tiny nest of baby birds in one of my planters, on my patio. I've been watching the momma bird the past several weeks. She has deligently sat on that nest without fail, and now that the eggs have hatched, she is non stop in her search for food. I can't count the times that she flies off in search of food, and how tirelessly she returns with bugs and what not loaded up in her beak, only to feed the wee ones and go flying off again. She's a single mom bird too. No daddy bird to help out. I imagine that when she's off looking for food, she's wondering about her babies back at the nest, slightly panicked that something might be happening to them while she's doing her duty. And that is when it occurred to me. My mom was

Ok, this may sound a wee bit weird, but some of my most profound epiphanies come at 3:00 am. I'm serious! Every morning I wake up at 3 on the dot and have to use the washroom. I can't tell you how many times on that stumble through the dark to the ensuite that I've had a very tangible "still small voice that sounds like my own", tell me something that I needed to hear. For example, several months ago as I made my way around the bed towards the ensuite, this popped into my head, loud and clear, " you say you love your son, so why are you not praying for him more than you do?" Seriously! There's nothing like a 3 am spiritual wake up call! So, this morning, as per usual, I woke up, rolled over, looked at the clock, "yup, it's weewee time". I stumbled into the ensuite, and sat down.....on to the closed toilet seat. I stood up, lifted the closed toilet seat, sat down and in came the rush of still small, quick, deliberate voice thoughts, stac

Conflict resolution, conflict management, conflict transformation. Of these three, I've come to imagine the profound possibilities found in "conflict transformation". Conflict Resolution suggests to me that the conflict can be resolved, brought to resolution, fixed, repaired; and it can also suggest that the parties "resolve" to carry out the agreement which often times can be compromise. While the resolution may be done collaboratively, there can still be parties left only partially satisfied. Conflict Management suggests that the conflict may remain though it is managed better than it had been before help for it was sought. Both the dispute and the emotions of those involved in the dispute, are "managed" and this managed state carries into the actual performance of the agreement. Both resolution and management focus on changing the tenor of the conflict itself so that there is agreement on how the parties will act or "show up" to one anothe

There is a significant difference between confession, and saying sorry. Sadly, much like everything else in our "fast food" culture, we have equated saying sorry with confession. Saying sorry can be a face saving quick fix, whereas true confession takes humility and time. In our Western culture it seems that humility and time are in short supply. It also occurs to me that saying sorry is more about me, as in " gee, sorry, ( I got caught ? ), can we now just put it behind us, pretend it didn't happen and carry on, please?" By comparison, confession is more about the one that we've harmed, as in " what I did caused you pain (or whatever else the harm is) and how can I make amends, so we can truly grow in our relationship without pretense?" This is the basis of scriptures that tell us to confess our sins to one another. Recognize that what you have done has caused harm, take ownership for it without excuse, and make an appropriate, in context amends.

While I have every confidence that I would be accepted into the Masters program in conflict analysis and management at RRU, there remains this near constant desire to complete a BA. While I believe that God can and will accomplish anything He wants with and through me when it comes to a fulltime ministry in conflict resolution, and reconciliation, there remains this thought that one needs credibility and credibility, in our culture anyway, comes with a degree. I mean, think about it. A board of elders and a pastor are at war and along comes an ex-claims adjuster, wanting to lead them through it. Logic dictates that they would conclude that I wouldn't have much to give them. While God might dictate otherwise, it's been my experience that most people entrenched in conflict do not hear God very well. Could be one of the reasons they are so entrenched? Ever since I started on this path in 2003 I've been wanting a degree. So, on the heels of my graduation from the JI a

Typically, mediation as it is done civilly, is simply a vehicle to bring about resolution to what ever conflict is going on. The focus is on the thing that needs resolving, such as property division at divorce, details surrounding custody, the value of quantum in bodily injury cases and the division of assets in estate disputes, among other things. The practical skills training one receives from institutions that teach alternative dispute and conflict resolution teachs one to concentrate on the "thing", collaborate to get resolution, and if necessary, compromise. There is no real attention given to the relationship after the "thing" is resolved. Usually the parties go away, having the "thing" settled, but often the relationship is damaged forever. You see, from the worlds perspective, mediation collaborates for a solution, and lets the parties go their way with the solution as their reward. This kind of mediation does nothing to uncover sin, in fact, doe

So, why a blog about conflict? Believers don't have conflict, do they? And if they do, are they not equipped better than anyone else on how to resolve it? I mean, we have the power of confession, forgiveness and absolution at our disposal, not to mention the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. He is our Helper, who gives us clarity to see our way to understanding those we may be in conflict with, if indeed, believers ever have conflict. So, cheekiness aside, why a blog about conflict? Well, here is a bit of back story to build on my first post. I was raised in an unbelieving home, a broken home, and an abusive one. In hindsight, I see that this contributed to my complete and total fear of conflict, to the point that I avoided it at all costs. I was a peacefaker, and "went along to get along". Needless to say, there were not too many choices that were mine because when you go along to get along you loose integrity. Oddly enough, I fell into a career that was rife with confli

I learned from a Jewish rabbi back in 1999 that my name means "song." I was sitting at his kitchen table, working on his insurance claim, and his wife asked me if I was Jewish. I said no, but I do love the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. She reminded me that Jesus was Jewish, and I smiled, and said, "Yes, the greatest One who ever lived." But I digress. Fast forward several years and in the midst of this burning desire in my heart to see the church, the Body of Christ on Earth, walking out her destiny of loving, reconciled, forgiving, "oneness," I was moved to look up my name in a Hebrew dictionary. And I found it...Rhinnah...(great spelling eh?) and it means "ringing cry of joy to Yahweh, shout of joy" and "cry of peace." In Greek, it means "peace." Hmmmmmm....time to get all prophetic? Yeah, not. My mom named me after reading the book Carpetbaggers. Nothing prophetic there! So what is my point? Where did this ache, longing,