Peace Treatments

Was having dinner with a friend last night, and as we talked about things that have been happening in my life, marriage, parenthood, etc., I made a comment to the effect that I was so thankful that I had not given up on any of them.  I believe my exact words in summation were "I think too many believers give up one day too soon, maybe that's why Jesus said, live only for today". We both just sort of stopped talking at that point and pondered it...an epiphany in process, coming live at you from a table in the Keg..."giving up one day too soon"... How many times in the anger and pain of a struggling marriage or in the fear and uncertainty of parenthood did I envision an intolerable future and come to believe words that told me if I don't make a change now, today, this minute, that future will play out.  How many times did I resolve in those moments to give up, leave, quit, that's it, I'm done...only to go to bed, have sleep overtake me and wake u

Just over a year ago Jim and I took up hiking.  Prior to that, we did not do an awful lot together.  He liked to golf with his best friend, and I liked to read and study, and that's just the way things were.  We spent some time together going out for the occasional dinner but did not enjoy a hobby together, unless you count all the years of watching the kids play ball. After the kids became adults, and we no longer had the common activity of parenting to keep us connected, I recall hoping and praying that somehow we could find something, anything, to re-discover what drew us to each other in the first place.  Life can get like that. Careers, children, bills, responsibilities and exhaustion all conspiring together to make true intimate relationship scarce. So sans kids, he spent his free time on the golf course while I spent mine shopping, working,  reading or watching TV. I remember well when we started doing things together.  It was just after the Winter Olympics. One Saturday

Here's something I'm wondering.  On the night He was betrayed, Christ prayed in the garden for His future church, the Bride.  He prayed that we would be one, just as the Father and He are one.  Specifically, He asked "I pray also for those who will believe in Me...that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in Me and I am in You.  May they also be in us so that the world may believe that You have sent me . I have given them the glory that You gave Me, that they may be one as We are one, I in them and You in me.  May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved Me" (John 17:20-23)   Did you catch that? Our oneness, our unity, is what lets the WHOLE WORLD know that the Father sent Jesus, and that the Father loves them - the world - as much as He loves Jesus. I've said it before and I'll say it again - the key to the world coming out if it's deep, dark deception and seeing w

There is a sense of restlessness in my soul these days.  It's one of those "can't quite put my finger on it" kind of fleeting things, akin to trying to remember a dream as it flits away in the wakefulness.  Yesterday as I tried to talked to Jim about it, I kept crying.  Now, where is THAT coming from? At one point he asked why I sounded so intense and I replied that I was feeling frenetic, stuck between feeling like a chicken running around with it's head cut off and trying to shake an immovable, monstrous tree to see if any fruit falls out.  I know that for everything there is a season and that God has a plan, a purpose, and a roll out. My problem - if you can call it a problem - is that I feel ready for whatever THAT is,  NOW.  It does not help that I'm utterly bored in my job.  With all this learning I want to start applying, and adjusting claims is not conducive to application of what I'm learning.  So, in a fit of restlessness and in a self se

It's still somewhat surreal, this current pursuit of mine.  Who would have thought it? I remember thinking that finishing my certificate in mediation at the Justice Institute was daunting and now I have finished the first residency in my master's program at the School of Peace and Conflict at Royal Roads University.    It was tough.  Three weeks of intensity, completing 2 courses. I struggled with doubt, fear and homesickness.  I found myself second guessing my motives, skills and whether or not I was truly on the right path.  This all culminated in my marks, which came back this past Friday.  An A- and a B.  After achieving a 4.13 GPA in the leadership program at TWU, I was disappointed.  But then I realized that the voice in my head was the overly responsible, perfectionist, control freak that still lives in me. She's not quite crucified yet I see. LOL.  Well, at least the feedback from the prof will assist me in my next course, Social Psychology of Organizational Behav

I have been musing lately over the idea of dedicating the next few posts (or how ever many it will take) to "conflict in red letters", meaning...dissecting everything that Jesus had to say about conflict.  The idea is not original. My pastors have been preaching a series entitled "In Red Letters" for several weeks now.  They've talked about everything from "money in red letters" to "woman in red letters" but nothing on conflict...so I think I'll give it a go. So starting in Matthew, chapter 5, verse 9.. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons [and daughters] of God" (NIV) The word used for "peacemakers" is eirenopoios which translates to "reconciler" and "one who lives a life whose tenure and effect is peace and reconciliation and not aggression, hostility, antagonism or combativeness" (Hebrew-Greek Key Study Bible, 1996, lexical aids, p.1650) There is a quirk of irony here

I was talking today - as I am wont to do - about my learning and healing through spiritual 12 step.  I am amazed how teachings that were incorporated into my life over 10 years ago still inform all that I do today and continue to impact me in ways that help me heal and grow.  Anyways, we were talking about step 8 and 9... Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others and the question arose..When is it appropriate to make amends and how do we know whether to do so will harm them or others?  My hunch is that the answer to these questions is found in another...what is compelling you to make the amends?  What is motivating you, the desire to alleviate and heal the pain you caused them or the need to lesson some of the guilt and shame you carry over it?  I believe this step takes much self awareness and even purer motive.

...have you ever wondered at the size of a speck? ...ever thought about the part of the body a speck is in? ...would you allow someone with long nails to remove it?  ...would you let someone with a big, open mouth and bad breath get close enough to remove it? ...would you allow someone who you hardly know get close enough to remove yours?  Metaphorically speaking, if I had a speck in my eye (and trust me, there's a floater in there all the time) I would want someone I know very well and trust even better to remove it.  Someone without claws.  Someone who I like and love enough that they can get right up close in my face, bending over me, mere inches away, to remove the speck, and who wouldn't use their open big mouth and bad gossipy breath to talk about it with others afterwards.  Someone I'm geniunely close with.  You can't remove a speck from a safe distance.  You have to get really, really close in, to see it, then you have to maybe lift the lid a bit, a

....but it's a very hard thing. ... I was reading scripture the other day.  Jesus was teaching the disciples about forgiveness.  He told them that if a "brother sins against you, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to saying, "I repent", you shall forgive him", (Luke 17:4) and the disciples responded with "Increase our faith" (Luke 17:5) and the Lord replied, "If you have the faith the size of a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, be pulled up by the roots and be planted in the sea, and it will obey you" (Luke 17:6) That passage struck me.  Is Jesus being ironic or is He suggesting that we don't need faith to forgive the hard things?  I like that the disciples realized immediately how hard forgiveness is.  Upon hearing 7 times - the number of completion - you can almost hear them proclaiming "What?!" followed by, &q

I've been paying attention to language and words lately, really focusing in on what people say and how they say it and there's a quirky thing many, if not all, people do when they talk about things that touch on their emotions.  Maybe you've noticed it, and if not, I encourage you to listen for it.  What's the quirky way of talking that I'm talking about? You're talking to someone and they're telling you a story, and you ask them a question that gets them to think about their emotions, something like " So, when that happened, what was it like?"   or "how did you feel?"   or "well, I can't imagine what you were feeling"... and they answer back as if they are talking about you...like this... Story teller: relays story about almost getting hit by a car... Your response:  " wow, that must have been scary" Story teller: "yeah, for sure, like,  you just sort of freeze and then the adrenaline hits and you

Today's learning at the JI centered on trauma, children and youth.  What a day!  Talking about children and trauma is always a slog for me; I at once cringe at my own memories and rejoice at the healing and wholeness I find myself in.  Today was no different, except that I got a Holy Spirit visit on the drive home - He is always so welcome!  He confirmed for me that He is/has/continues to teach me to love the least of these, which in a sense, is miraculous, given there was a time I believed myself so broken and empty, dissociated and depersonalized, loving was simple not possible.  But I digress... The instructor (Linda Pearce, PhD) told us that researchers studying the affect of trauma in childhood specifically looked for reasons that some children grew up to be healthy, whole adults,  while others did not.  Personality, trauma type, race, creed, socio-demographic, and family of origin issues aside, they were perplexed by the fact that you could have siblings exposed to the sa

Was talking to a friend the other day about apology, musing on the fact that often when we say sorry there is a sense or hunch that the other person hasn't quite "bought it".  They might say words like "apology accepted" or "oh, it's nothing" and yet in our heart of discernment it "feels" like it's still not quite right between us.  Why is that? Could it be that the motivation behind our apology is more self serving than it ought to be?  Is my "sorry"  more about alleviating my guilt than it is about easing your pain?  That is a question we need to ask ourselves, and those who are self aware will be honest in their answer. There is this thing called duty that compels our moral and ethical behavior; it's implicit and intrinsic and I suspect only sociopaths don't feel it.  We do something wrong towards another, guilt sets in, quickly followed by a sense of duty to go make it right.  Our choice is to do our duty o

It seems to have been a given that the deeper I've gone into conflict and peace studies, the more I bump up against things like trauma, grief and loss.  I've come to the conclusion that how we do conflict is predicated on how we did or did not complete our trauma, grief and loss journeys.  In simpler terms - if we have unresolved trauma, grief and loss, we will have unresolved conflict and or be wholly unequipped to deal with current conflicts.  Drawing from my critical incident stress management training and practice, as well as my personal experience and learning through my own trauma and loss journey, including spiritual healing 12 step, I've learned first and foremost that grief and loss are heart issues.  Loss that results in grief makes for a broken heart and yet we try to complete our healing journey with our heads.  Moreover, we are acculturated to negate the confusing feelings that arise from grief and instead, intellectualize ourselves into how we should behave.

One of the teachings I sat under when I was a young(er) adult was the "word faith" message.  The crux of the teaching was that our words speak either life or death, negative or positive..name it, claim it, profess it, possess it.  I don't give much stock to this teaching now however, will concede that our beliefs do have the power to compel our behavior, and our beliefs are often revealed by our words.  A funny thing happened to me this morning as I read a much loved person's facebook status.  She finished her status with that statement " sometimes we don't have the luxury of saying no" and POW... triggered, bristled, hit. First, I got quiet and checked in ... I invited "myself"  to show me what had me so aggitated - in other words, I listened to my heart, my body, my thoughts (and Holy Spirit, who lives there)  And realized that what she had said revealed a deep seeded , and I believe, familial belief,  that it's not permitted in my fa

I was up at Saint Mary's again today.  Wandering the hollow halls, imagining haunted voices and distance laments of children aching for home.  I sensed the terror, physical and palpable, felt first in the depth of the belly and burning it's way up to the the back of the eye, scalding the throat, and manifesting in tears that only beckoned , sadistically inviting more torment...those tears that still drip painfully raw all these years later. Things happened there. Horrible things that an innocent, beautiful child should never have to experience.  Those children belonged to the Creator  and were stolen from the parents to whom He gifted them.  He designed and made each of these little ones with infinite care and immeasurable love - and men and women decreeing themselves as God's instruments, doing God's work but  filled up by the father of lies and the putrid religious pride that compels evil,  harmed them.  Did not our Creator say "If anyone harms one of th

I've been watching 8th Fire, a series on CBC about our relationship (or lack thereof) with Canada's First Nation peoples.  It has been enlightening, informative and I've learned much.  A couple of weeks ago the episode concentrated on the residential schools.  They showed old black and white photos of native children in classrooms.  Row upon row of sad, lonely, scared little faces.  I cried. They showed an archeologist at St Mary's, the last residential school to close,  talking about how they've found unmarked graves full of  little bones.  The children would sneak out at night in a desperate attempt to go home.  Many got lost in the woods, and perished in the brutal Canadian winter.  They were buried in unmarked graves.  I cried.  Beatings, sexual abuse, and other molestations perpetuated on generation after generation of native children in a misguided attempt to "assimilate" them into European culture.  Nuns and priests, pastors and teachers, not

I had another dream last night. There was a small room, only about 8 x 8 in size.  Suddenly there appeared in the middle of the room an old black cannon.  The word "conflict" was heard and then I was flooded with several thoughts. It is difficult to formulate them in a blog but the gist is that when we get caught up in an ongoing dispute with another person we stop listening to them and only care about getting our point across.  Conversely, they stop listening to us and only care about getting their point across.  Demands set in and volleys of attack, put downs, judgements, and criticisms start.   The trouble is, it's not their volley of attack that hurts us, it's our volley of attack that hurts us.  When we send our volley of vindictiveness, or defensiveness, it is like firing off a cannon in a small room - the recoil from our cannon impacts and deafens us. Maybe this is why Jesus told us to turn the other cheek.

...on old ways ...on things done the way it's always been done ...on bickering and division ...on competition and arrogance ...on labeling and naming others ...on selfishness and pettiness ...on demanding our own way in the church, the Bride, as she is being prepared for her Groom. The sun is setting on falseness, and platitude, "Christianese" and religiousity, and complacency and striving.  Those who prefer the old ways and lament the way things used to be had better get ready for a vibrant and very unexpected,  Bride. I had a dream that I have been pondering for several weeks.  In the dream, I was invited to be a bridesmaid in a relative's wedding, but told her that I could not because of a brokenness.  The night before the wedding however, the brokenness was healed and I was able to attend as a bridesmaid afterall.  I found the same bridesmaid dress that the other bridesmaids were wearing.  I put it on, deciding to surprise my relative the morning of he