The Freedom of Acceptance and Commitment

I have slowly - emphasis on sloooooooowly - been learning something of late.

Loving your neighbour has little to do with actually liking them.  Accepting that you do not necessarily like someone and then committing to treating them with respect, dignity and honour in any event, is love.  That is how we love our enemies.  That is how we do good to those who persecute us and that is how we pray for those who harm us. 


For almost 4 years now I have been working with someone I personally interviewed,  hired and trained.  This person has been the proverbial "thorn in my side" from day one.  Whereas everyone else I have hired and trained has blossomed in their role as an adjuster,  this person has not.  She takes feedback as criticism, is extremely defensive and attacking with confronted with an error, and has a narcissistic manipulative way about her.    There were days that I beat myself up for having hired her and admit that hiring her is a huge regret.  Unfortunately you cannot fire someone for being emotionally unhealthy or immature so I have plodded along, attempting to coach and mentor her in a way that enables her to look in the mirror, all to no avail.

Her skill set is on par with the other's whom I have trained, with her communication style and need to save face being her downfall.  She has lost clients because of it but unfortunately, because of her inability to take responsibility for her own mistakes, she always finds a way to make an excuse or blame someone or something else.  As I always say, excuses are their own rewards.

So, yesterday, we had a meeting and after listening to her excuse making and deflecting yet again, with a rather tense discussion, I laid all the cards on the table.  I told her straight up why she was not succeeding as well as the others, and spelled out her options, including what I was and was not prepared to do for her, if and when she owned her own negative attitude and took responsibility for her own career without blaming others for her failures.  The proverbial gloves were off.

Afterwards, on my way home and then into my evening, the entire confrontation was played and replayed in my head.  The more I dwelled on it the more I heard the accuser....by the time I went to bed, I felt ashamed and stupid.  I began questioning my own ability to lead and coach and second guessing my "so called" conflict resolution skills and soon enough, began to see myself as a failure  - first I failed in the interview process when I hired her (I should have known better), then I failed as a mentor and trainer (I should have equipped her better) , then I failed as manager (I should have heard her concerns better), then I failed as Christian (I should be a light to her better) -  because, after all,  are we not supposed to be loving and gentle and kind and peacemaking?   It is amazing what the accuser comes up with.  Oh, and just to clarify, we are our best accusers, and while the enemy does accuse, most of our accusations are the voices in our head replayed from what we heard in our childhood - from our parents, teachers, or other adults who "corrected" and "chastised" us for our own good.

I did not sleep last night and this morning, feeling guilty, asked Father, "What am I not learning in all this?" and today at lunch, it hit.  I don't like her.   I may have started out liking her but after 4 years of push back, I don't like her.  It's that simple.  And my angst had been wrapped up in the fact that somehow, as a "good Christian" I am supposed to like her, and somehow get her to like me.  And as a "good manager" I am supposed to turn her into a successful adjuster.  But, weirdly, now knowing that I don't like her, I actually feel free.  You see, now I accept the fact that I don't like her, probably never will like her - her personality type and mine don't mix - frankly, her negativity reminds me of mine - this is where I struggle and I don't like that about me, so  I don't like her.  It's called projection.

So, I ACCEPT that I don't like her and COMMIT to treating her with dignity, respect and honour anyway.

And that, dear friends, is how you love an enemy.

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