Unpacking Anger

Harkening back to a post from several months ago on anger, I continue to be amazed that so many people blame their anger on others. 

Here is a test...if you are wondering whether or not you truly take responsibility for your own anger, check out how you excuse anger.  If you use statements like "It's just something that comes over me", or "It makes me so anger when you do that...", or "It's something I can't control it" ..then there is a pretty good chance you don't take ownership of your own anger.  Dissociating yourself from your anger and making anger an it suggests that you do not see the responsibility that is yours alone to own.  

Imagine the power of change that would come from saying instead, "I let my anger come over me" or "I allow my anger to overwhelm me when I see you do that" or "It's like I can't control my anger".  The sooner we own the emotions we feel, the more empowered we are to decipher, manage and put them into perspective...or experience them for all they are worth if we want to.    But as long as we make our anger an "it" it becomes a "thing" we have no power over or a "thing" for which we cannot possibly be responsible. 

Now, I am not for one second suggesting that anger is wrong and has no place. Anger can be a compelling motivator for change, for justice, for many things.  But the kind of anger that focuses blame on others and hangs off of our unmet needs and dashed expectations is nothing more than the outward manifestation of the anxiety we feel.  Huh?  Let me unpack that a bit...

We all have needs - to be loved, to be respected, to be valued, to be heard, to be seen, to be wanted, to be known - these are core, deep in our spirit, kind of needs.   Often we look to have these needs met by others (and to a degree, in healthy relationships where both parties are "serving one another"  those needs do often  get met) but when they are not met, we feel anxious.  When make demands of others to meet our deepest needs and they don't,  the anxiety (fear) is scary and painful.  Anger feels safer and more empowering than anxiety so anger is where our demandedness takes us.  But getting back to the crux of it all, whether we feel anxiety and stay there, or allow the anger to make the anxiety safer, both feelings are ours to own - no one else makes us feel that way and it's entirely within us to change.

More about how to handle the anxiety and or anger in a more productive way next time.....