Why My Sorry?

Was talking to a friend the other day about apology, musing on the fact that often when we say sorry there is a sense or hunch that the other person hasn't quite "bought it".  They might say words like "apology accepted" or "oh, it's nothing" and yet in our heart of discernment it "feels" like it's still not quite right between us.  Why is that?

Could it be that the motivation behind our apology is more self serving than it ought to be?  Is my "sorry"  more about alleviating my guilt than it is about easing your pain?  That is a question we need to ask ourselves, and those who are self aware will be honest in their answer.

There is this thing called duty that compels our moral and ethical behavior; it's implicit and intrinsic and I suspect only sociopaths don't feel it.  We do something wrong towards another, guilt sets in, quickly followed by a sense of duty to go make it right.  Our choice is to do our duty or not do our duty.  But what is compelling the duty in the first place?  A need to stop feeling guilty or a need to heal the harm I've caused another?  Or both? 

Here's my take - our Creator, Loving God, wants us to go heal the harm we've caused another and so He seeded in us a thing called guilt, that when working in a holistically healthy person, is only triggered when he/she does wrong.  ( A sense of constant guilt or shame is not what I'm talking about here.   Suffice it to say, emotionally healthy people ought not to have a continual pervading sense of guilt - but I digress)  

The pain of guilt is designed to compel us to restorative action when we've harmed another.  So, while our first intrinsic motive is to heal the harm, it follows that the guilt will also be healed, but only when the apology - the making it right - is genuine.  It is imperative, I think, that we fully understand the effect that our words, deeds or actions have caused, and genuinely attempt to put ourselves in the other person's shoes, in order to appreciate the impact our harm caused them enough to make it right. 

Sometimes a person who has been harmed has their own internal statement  -  "If only you knew how this has hurt" or "what this has done" or "how I've been affected" - and if our goal truly is a restorative reconciliation, then perhaps we ought to be drawing those out by inviting them - "Tell me how......".   It takes courage, strength and grace to hear someone tell you the impact your actions had, but goes a long, long way to appreciating their perspective.  You're giving them  a gift few people get to experience.

Once you've heard from them, it's time to acknowledge the harm and make it right.  True apology, aka, making it right  means you confess your harm without excuse, reason, justification or rationalization (don't tell them why you did what you did, it only sounds like validation for your actions), accepting the consequences of that harm (listen to them vent and rant if you have to and reflect back what you hear them saying - in other words, shut up and listen),  and asking for forgiveness.  After that, the rest is up to them.  If they give forgiveness, you have won your relationship back  and if they don't, don't demand it.  Don't preach, don't lecture and don't assail them with some biblical duty to forgive. 

 Remember, your part is to  heal the harm between you.  Their part is to receive the healing. Your response is grace if they decide they want to remain in their hurt.  Their response is not your's to own. Your response is to forgive yourself  even if they  have not.  Their response is still not your's to own.