The Disappointing Things

She hears His voice
He says she is dreaming
That's not how God does things
You have it all wrong

Confused
Second guessing
Heart pressing
In
On old wounds

She discerns a call
He says she is wrong
God doesn't call women
And if He did it wouldn't be you

Hurt
Second guessing
Heart pressing
In
On old angers


She was a high school drop out, sexual assault survivor, who spent years in the healing trenches, living life severed and scared, but nonetheless

Raised two children who are vibrant and life and love and laughter
Built a career that gives and gives and gives
Went  back to school the late bloomer that she is...becoming
Completed graduate school
Jumped before any nets appeared
Intent on being an instrument of the sort that brings life

Not much by way of grand accomplishments but something she cherishes nonetheless
And yet...

He's never read one of her papers, essays, short stories or poems.
Has never said she looks pretty or that he thinks she's smart
Doesn't say I love you
Doesn't say I care
Isn't bothered by the fact that they.never.touch.ever.or.kiss.or...

And here she thought she was the automaton who was fucked up by childhood

He says he's supportive
But it's said in noble me, see my tolerance as sacrifice kind of way
Like he's a martyr or something

These are all the disappointing things
The very very disappointing things
That leave her second guessing all over again

And because she thinks she is an automaton  fucked up by childhood
She keeps on second guessing and her choices fall by the wayside
Left undone
Abandoned to a futile chase
Second guessed to death

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