Encouragement ... More than Words
Compliment is telling someone something positive about them and may or may not have self serving motives behind it. Perhaps you genuinely do think they have the best laugh or nicest smile and you simply want them to know that, no sticky motives about it.
Neither of these is encouragement.
Encouragement is defined as the act of giving someone support, confidence or hope. There is a strengthening component to encouragement. Someone is downcast, discouraged and about to give up and you come along with support, which strengthens their confidence and helps instill some hope in them. Renewed confidence and hope equate to courage, so in a sense, encouraging someone is giving them courage.
I used to think that this sort of encouragement had to be done with words, words that spoke truth and life and went to the core of someone's soul, shining light into darkness, compelling them to act. Restorative, generative words that were invigorating.
I'm rethinking encouragement, seeing it not so much something powerful you say, but something humble you do.
9 times out of 10, I'm stumped for words. Someone comes to me with a heart ache or a painful situation or a shameful experience and I simply don't have words. I've nothing life giving, restorative or profound to say ... so half the time I just sit there, say I'm so sorry, and stay there. And in that doing, encouragement takes on a life of it's own. Let me give you an example...
Several years ago, a friend came to me with a grievous confession. As they recounted their story, crying with shame, I simply listened, after which I sat quiet for a long time, silently praying ... Lord help me, Lord help us. What do we do?
The story being told was grievous indeed, the sort of thing that one goes to jail for, and yet all I could think about was how courageous they were in coming to tell me. It was a confession I heard with absolutely no judgement, revulsion, criticism or censure. That grace did not come from me!
I began to cry, and told my friend how incredibly courageous they were, and asked what they hoped for. My friend was lost, torn between hoping the confession told to me was enough to meet the criteria of making it right in God's eyes, and yet knowing that the truly right thing to do involved a much bigger and far scarier step than that.
My friend asked my advise. All I could think to say was that the courage that brought them to this day came from a deep place of integrity and character, and regardless of how awful and ashamed they felt about themselves, that integrity and character were still there. By this time we were both weeping, while my friend argued the pros and cons of the life changing decision before them. After several hours of painful interior soul battle, where my friend argued every argument in the book, while I listened, they landed on the decision that we would go together to the police station while they turned themselves in.
We spent the rest of that day sitting in a park waiting for a police constable to arrive and take my friends confession/self report/statement. While we waited, my friend talked and I listened. Occasionally when my friend freaked out about the prospects of an arrest, jail, etc., I grabbed their hand and reassured them that I was with them, was not going anywhere, was sticking with them, no matter what. And I did. Thru the arrest, bail, 1st hearing, the court case, and sentencing ... thru the pain of judgement and censure from other friends and family ... thru the dark night that followed ... thru the deconstruction of the triumphant Christian image that had been my friends protection for so long.
A few years after all this happened my friend had a milestone birthday. There was no jail ... the judge was so impressed by the self report and amends that was so thoughtfully designed, they rendered a judgement that included the amends, that my friend was able to work out. By the time of the birthday, my friend had met a spouse, and there was reconciliation in the family. All very miraculous if you ask me!
Having been invited to the birthday party, I found the perfect gift a day or two prior. I'd found a carving that was the perfect representation of courage.
When my friend unwrapped the gift, our eyes met. We both welled up in tears. No words were spoken but a thousand were exchanged between us. The feeling, you see, was mutual. My friend said my coming alongside that day and sticking with them thru all that followed was the most encouraging thing they had ever experienced, and the result was a renewed, more deepened, authentic relationship with God and the loved ones who mattered. And I had never been so encouraged either; my friends resolve to do the right thing, despite the inner battle that ranged within, and despite the heavy costs, gave me the courage to face the things I feared. Neither of us had ever - intentionally - spoken words that were encouraging. Rather, we simply acted towards and with one another in keeping with what we were discerning together in the moment, one prayerful act at a time, until we found ourselves on the other side, stronger, wiser, humbler and kinder.
That is what I call encouragement, and true encouragement always emerges out of discernment.
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