Thinking about Words
One of the teachings I sat under when I was a young(er) adult was the "word faith" message. The crux of the teaching was that our words speak either life or death, negative or positive..name it, claim it, profess it, possess it. I don't give much stock to this teaching now however, will concede that our beliefs do have the power to compel our behavior, and our beliefs are often revealed by our words.
A funny thing happened to me this morning as I read a much loved person's facebook status. She finished her status with that statement "sometimes we don't have the luxury of saying no" and POW... triggered, bristled, hit.
First, I got quiet and checked in ... I invited "myself" to show me what had me so aggitated - in other words, I listened to my heart, my body, my thoughts (and Holy Spirit, who lives there) And realized that what she had said revealed a deep seeded , and I believe, familial belief, that it's not permitted in my family to say no. There is this sort of unspoken, though sensed, disapproval that is felt more than actually experienced, when one says no to expected behavior, especially when that expected behavior is voiced by one of the family "elders". Where did this come from? I would call it a family culture of acquiesence or accommodation and it's entrenched, like claws digging into flesh with little barbs on the end, so as to make it hard to let it go. Sounds like fear, doesn't it? Fear of saying no, fear of having that crucial conversation to let someone know how one really feels or is impacted....in our family, we just don't do it, or at least, not authentically.
Every family has a culture and every culture is built on belief....and we get hints about what the family belief and culture is by the family sayings that repeat from one generation to the next. My mother heard, and I heard and my daughter heard that "you don't have the luxury of saying no". My mother heard, and I heard and my daughter heard that "your's is not to wonder why, your's is to do or die". So what is the big deal? Just words, right?
No, beliefs. Think about it - what if you really believe, deep in the cell of your being, where the light don't shine (yet) that saying no is a luxury - followed by, a luxury you don't deserve or haven't earned? Then it's pretty hard to ever, ever, say no. Most of us think of luxury's as things we can't have, right? So, if saying no is a luxury, then we can't say no. If that belief took hold as a child, there are lot of things over the years that we never said no too - a lot of power we gave up because we held that belief.
Saying no to my abuser was a luxury I did not have.
Saying no to using drugs was a luxury I did not have.
Saying no to working so hard to the detriment of my children was a luxury I did not have.
None of it true. But all of it a belief at the time. And the belief compelled my behavior.
We need to change the words we use so our beliefs change and we need to change our beliefs. Saying no is a right...we are autonomous, dignified, unique being with the power of choice - and if the culture in our family makes it difficult to hear "no", well - I suppose that's a topic for another day.
A funny thing happened to me this morning as I read a much loved person's facebook status. She finished her status with that statement "sometimes we don't have the luxury of saying no" and POW... triggered, bristled, hit.
First, I got quiet and checked in ... I invited "myself" to show me what had me so aggitated - in other words, I listened to my heart, my body, my thoughts (and Holy Spirit, who lives there) And realized that what she had said revealed a deep seeded , and I believe, familial belief, that it's not permitted in my family to say no. There is this sort of unspoken, though sensed, disapproval that is felt more than actually experienced, when one says no to expected behavior, especially when that expected behavior is voiced by one of the family "elders". Where did this come from? I would call it a family culture of acquiesence or accommodation and it's entrenched, like claws digging into flesh with little barbs on the end, so as to make it hard to let it go. Sounds like fear, doesn't it? Fear of saying no, fear of having that crucial conversation to let someone know how one really feels or is impacted....in our family, we just don't do it, or at least, not authentically.
Every family has a culture and every culture is built on belief....and we get hints about what the family belief and culture is by the family sayings that repeat from one generation to the next. My mother heard, and I heard and my daughter heard that "you don't have the luxury of saying no". My mother heard, and I heard and my daughter heard that "your's is not to wonder why, your's is to do or die". So what is the big deal? Just words, right?
No, beliefs. Think about it - what if you really believe, deep in the cell of your being, where the light don't shine (yet) that saying no is a luxury - followed by, a luxury you don't deserve or haven't earned? Then it's pretty hard to ever, ever, say no. Most of us think of luxury's as things we can't have, right? So, if saying no is a luxury, then we can't say no. If that belief took hold as a child, there are lot of things over the years that we never said no too - a lot of power we gave up because we held that belief.
Saying no to my abuser was a luxury I did not have.
Saying no to using drugs was a luxury I did not have.
Saying no to working so hard to the detriment of my children was a luxury I did not have.
None of it true. But all of it a belief at the time. And the belief compelled my behavior.
We need to change the words we use so our beliefs change and we need to change our beliefs. Saying no is a right...we are autonomous, dignified, unique being with the power of choice - and if the culture in our family makes it difficult to hear "no", well - I suppose that's a topic for another day.
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