Restless

There is a sense of restlessness in my soul these days.  It's one of those "can't quite put my finger on it" kind of fleeting things, akin to trying to remember a dream as it flits away in the wakefulness. 

Yesterday as I tried to talked to Jim about it, I kept crying.  Now, where is THAT coming from? At one point he asked why I sounded so intense and I replied that I was feeling frenetic, stuck between feeling like a chicken running around with it's head cut off and trying to shake an immovable, monstrous tree to see if any fruit falls out. 

I know that for everything there is a season and that God has a plan, a purpose, and a roll out. My problem - if you can call it a problem - is that I feel ready for whatever THAT is,  NOW. 

It does not help that I'm utterly bored in my job.  With all this learning I want to start applying, and adjusting claims is not conducive to application of what I'm learning.  So, in a fit of restlessness and in a self serving attempt to stir things up, I started sending out my resume..only to pray that God will save me from myself should my restless, recklessness open doors He never intended. 

Another reason for the restlessness is more personal, and more convicting; it comes with the realization that I asked someone a question only to be brought up short when I pondered  it for myself.  Jim had wondered out loud what compelled JW's to go door to door, to which I queried, "If somehow, someone proved to you, beyond any reasonable doubt, that if you do not share your faith, you'll lose your salvation, and you believed it to the core of your being, would you share your faith?" 

When Jim wouldn't play rhetorical question with me, I answered my own question,  "There are only two reasons why someone either does or does not share their faith - fear and love",you share out of love or you don't share out of fear.  If we  truly love God and love others, then we'll share (but then, we might also share out of fear of God, as if it were a duty that is punishable if failed). Or we fear the reaction from those we share with or we are ashamed  and so don't.  Shame is rooted in fear - or is fear rooted in shame?  

In any event,  herein lies my restlessness; I don't share my faith and I can't really answer why not. On one hand I say I fear and on the other, I say that if the opportunity arose, I would, which is true, because I  have done.  But I'm not intentional about sharing my faith,and that bugs me.  And has me feeling restless. 

So, yeah, maybe it is time to shake this tree and see what fruit falls out.

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