Maybe it's All in the Apology?


Baylor University did a study of couples in conflict, and found that spouses stated that they would rather see their significant other give up power than apologize.  And when asked to define what giving up power looked like, spouses reported that they perceived their other as having given up power if they were to accept blame or responsibility, acknowledge harm, and work collaboratively towards solution...in other words, things that don't involve lording it over or typical "I win - you lose" scenarios.

It got me thinking...isn't apology really about accepting blame, taking responsibility, acknowledging the effect or harm and then working collaboratively to solution which might be another way of saying making amends or fixing the problem?

If apology was what it's supposed to be, then apology is synonymous to giving up power.

But apology isn't what it's supposed to be...it's been cheapened and diminished by culture, cop out, and self serving motivations.

Apology done right is power....and you give it out rather than give it up.

Apology has morphed from confession and repentance to "gee, I'm sorry", or even worse, "oops, me bad" or we sheepishly grin and in a cutesy way says "forgive me?" thinking that's enough.

Real apology however involves confession and what Ken Sande calls "The Seven A's" meaning, the 7 A's of apology...

  1.  Address everyone involved...we harm others and then confess to God...we have to address those we've harmed
  2. Avoid IF, BUT and MAYBE...as in, "I'm sorry if..." or "I'm sorry but..." or "Maybe I could have tried harder..."
  3. Admit specifically...what you did, what you are sorry for, or else it sounds like you're just sorry you got caught.  Be detailed and specific...as in "my critical comments not only hurt you, they potentially harmed our relationship, and offended God...."
  4. Acknowledge the hurt...as in "You must have felt embarrassed when I said those things in front of everyone..."
  5. Accept the consequences...as in, if your spouse needs time to absorb and wants to be left alone, then leave them alone...don't use the "I said sorry, so now it's your turn to forgive" card.  Or if you spread rumors or told lies, then accepting the consequences means calling everyone you spoke to and correcting the lie or rumor.  Or if you stole, then accepting the consequences means paying back.  Accepting the consequences includes making an amends.
  6. Alter your behavior...as in repent, turn from it, do your level best to not do it again, accepting accountability
  7. Ask for forgiveness (and allow time) for forgiveness to be extended depending on the level of harm you caused.  Here's the thing...if you did 1 - 6 authentically, with the spirit of love, then most people will respond with forgiveness  (The Peacemaker (2004) by Ken Sande, pp.126-133)
There is real humility in this kind of apology and therein lays true power...humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.

Maybe spouses prefer the other to give up power or share their power because apology has been weakened, but make apology about confession, repentance and amends born out of love, and it ranks right back up there on the list again. 

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