Willingness Quotient

When it comes to transforming conflict, whether that be one's own interior conflict or an exterior conflict with other people or even circumstances, so much starts with willingness. What is your WQ?  How does your willingness stack up against your willfulness, particularly when it comes to engaging in the kind of  personal change often necessitated by, in, because of, and through your conflicts?

Over the course of my conflict coaching practice, I've seen people land on the realization that they need to undertake some real heart and attitude change, only to almost immediately decry "but why should I be the one who has to......?!"  It seems to me that there is a constant tension between our willingness to learn and change attitudes, mindsets and behaviors and our willfulness to stay self-protecting behind them.

This tension between willingness and willfulness manifests itself most obviously in one's default response to being legitimately confronted on an issue or about a behavior or attitude. Let's assume the confrontation is done empathically, gently and with respect, representing no overt threat by way of judgement, put down, criticism, etc. Generally speaking, one's response to being called out on something is either deflective or reflective, indicating a willfulness to stay entrenched or a willingness to learn.  That is not to say that an initial deflective response signifying willfulness can't or doesn't later become reflective with a willingness to learn. But I'm talking initial defaults here.

Here's how I see the way each response stacks up, along with the resulting heart attitude

Deflective Response                                                                                Reflective Response
rejects feedback                                                                                       ponders feedback
defensive                                                                                                 receptive
denial                                                                                                       confess
excuse                                                                                                     acknowledge
justify                                                                                                      examine
rationalize                                                                                               accountable
blame                                                                                                      ownership
judge                                                                                                       learn
presume                                                                                                  discerning

The end result of a continually deflective, willful response is a heart that becomes closed off and perhaps eventually bitter and fragmented, while the end result of a continually reflective, willing response is a heart that becomes open, whole and loving.  One can draw their own conclusions about which attitudes - negative v positive, open v closed, intolerant v tolerant etc. - correspond to which heart condition.

What I find so surprising about the open, whole and loving hearted people I've known is that when they are confronted in an unjust way, with something that has no credence or weight, it is like water off a ducks back.  Offensive "darts" just pass right through open hearts. That is not to say that offense doesn't hurt them, but open hearts don't carry the offense so are not fertile ground for weeds and bitter roots, at least not if they remain reflective and learning.

Ultimately, the core characteristic needed in understanding one's own WQ and deciding to become more willing is humility. I am convinced that conflict transformation and peace building are impossible without humility...but more on that next time.