A Quit or a Pause

Almost 2 years ago, when I announced I was leaving my previous career of 25 some odd years to launch my own conflict resolution practice, the cheers and congratulatory salutations were numerous and loud.  I was told I was courageous, had a sure thing, and would be a resounding success. Can't  count how many people told me they wished they could also leave their careers to pursue some dream...if only they were as certain about what that dream was, as I was.  It was all heady stuff.

Fast forward to today...having blown through the savings that was to cushion the transition, and having completed only a few trainings, arbitrations, workshops and seminars, I am going back to fulltime work in the industry that I'd left.  The congratulations are sounding not so nearly as exuberant as for when I quit...at least not through the lens of what feels like a humbled and contrite heart.

But gee, did I learn a lot!

First, when you have a dream, go for it. That's the point. Not necessarily succeeding at it (whatever that means) but going for it. I made a valiant stab at making the dream come true. Maybe I failed, maybe I didn't, we shall see ... eventually.  But failure or not isn't the point. Dreaming and going for it, is. Just like grandma used to say... nothing ventured, nothing gained.

But gee - I gained a lot !

I gained insight into what really matters to me. I gained insight into what really matters to my significant other and loved ones. I gained some much needed rest. I gained a gratitude for the field I had left and am now returning to.

I gained confidence...and I gained humility. I gained a new appreciation for time, the importance of silence and the need for community. I gained an even deeper respect for the framework I developed and hoped would "take off". I gained a renewed stick-to-it-ness that says I'm not giving up on the framework, will continue to flesh it out, practice it, and see where it leads.  I gained a greater understanding of how something akin to providence and the willingness to be in sync with God's timing is so important.

And gee - I lost a lot !

I lost the need to be in control. I lost the desire to have everything precisely mapped out so I could be certain of what's next. I lost the demand for certainty. I lost the belief that success is defined by others buying what I have, and I lost the need to prove myself. I lost pride. I lost the need to save face. I lost my demanded-ness while finding, finally, my ability to rest in acceptance.

My dream isn't being packed away or shelved, put into storage or quit, just like my previous career was never truly packed away, shelved, stored nor quit. If anything, my dream is taking a pause and a rest, much like the pause and rest I have enjoyed these past 2 years.  Life is fluid and flexible, ambiguous and uncertain like that...and perhaps that is why it is best lived mindfully, attentively, in the moment, one day at a time.

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