Stay with the Feeling

When you think about conflict, what is the first "feeling" you associate with it? If you are like me, you are probably thinking about feelings like anger, fear, or embarrassment. Depending on how you "do" conflict, you may be thinking about feelings like disappointment, disheartened, anxious, bewildered, baffled, or think of feelings that touch on your vulnerability, like fragile, helpless, insecure or shaky. Or if the conflict you are thinking about involves someone you don't care about, perhaps the feelings that come to mind are detached, apathetic, indifferent.

When I began this exploration into conflict in 2004 (seriously, has it been that long? ) I was still in the midst of doing my 12 step work, and healing from years of physical and sexual abuse, and really had no clear concept of "feelings". The teachings I had received in my earlier church days was that feelings were to be discounted, that we "go by faith, not by feelings", and this, quite frankly, served me well considering just how detached from my feelings I was.

But here is the kicker....many of our conflicts arise out of the feelings we can't name, or own, that in turn arise when we have not been having our needs met. Generally, if our core needs for autonomy, security, belonging/connection, harmony, meaning/purpose, play and well being are being met, our feelings will flow out of that. For example, when my need for autonomy is being met, I feel freedom, empowerment and the joy of choice; when my need for connection is being met, I feel love, respect, appreciation, affection; when my need for harmony is being met, I feel peace, serenity, and yes, order (I like order!)

On the flip side, when these needs are not being met, apprehension, disquiet, tension, sadness and yearning may enter in. Usually, a conflict will arise when a need is not being met, and because the usual feelings that stem from that are feelings we don't like, this typically determines how we "do" the conflict. We either avoid it (flight) or we try and win it (fight). Or as Ken Sande says, we either peace make, peace fake, or peace break.

But, here is what I'm learning. First, our feelings inform us, and God can meet us in them to show us what we need to learn. God Himself has feelings...He exhibited anger, hopelessness, fear, joy, love, and was perplexed by His own creation, and was in every way tempted just as we are, but was without sin. Second, when we experience feelings, particularly ones that start to overwhelm us, rather than stuff them down or get busy so they go away, STAY WITH THEM.

Here is what I mean...the other day Hubby and I got into a bit of an argument about Thanksgiving. He had his vision of the day and I had mine, and in our attempts to sway the other, we got into a disagreement. He said something that from his perspective was completely innocuous, however, from my perspective, it was a total demand.

(bunny trail...remember that in communication it's not how you throw the ball, it's how it gets caught, that matters! So, Hubby threw what he thought was a harmless nurf ball and I caught it like it was a hard, fast, inside curve ball!)

The feelings that instantly began to perk in me were dismay, discouragement, sadness, some hopelessness, and then, because this is my protective emotion, anger. At first I began to speak out of the anger; afterall, protection, even self protection feels good! But thanks be to Holy Spirit, I was able to reign in, and go upstairs so I could get with God, so I could "stay with the feeling". Trust me, when feelings overwhelm, you definitely want to get with God; He is the safest place to be, and has so much to teach you while you are in the feeling, if you let Him. But this is where it can get really tough, because we often want God to show up, teach us, and let us be on our merry way, and sometimes He wants to take us places we don't want to go. Long story short, I fell asleep on my bed, still angry, and still sad. It wasn't until the next afternoon, after an entire day of wrestling with both the feeling and God, that He showed me what I needed to see. He reminded me of something very painful, a teaching I'd received as a very little girl....."your's is not to wonder why, your's is to do or die" and because that took root in my soul, it became a very strongly held belief, so much so that when I was told to do things, even things that would potentially wound my heart for life, I obeyed. God showed me that in my heart of hearts, as a young child, I loathed having to obey my molestor, and I loathed myself for obeying. He also showed me that as an adult, I continued to loath anyone (or their attempts) who tried to get me to do something I did not want to do. A sort of self protective rebellion kicked in whenever someone told me to do something, even if their request was reasonable, and made nicely. Why was that? Because my NEED for automony, a good and God given need, was seldom ever met throughout my childhood, and so as an adult, automony became a demand, and I rebelled whenever I perceived that my automony was being threatened. And because of this "demand/sin", any request to do something I did not want to do was misconstrued as a threat on my automony.

So, yesterday was a day of grieving for me. I was able to connect that feeling with it's root, and take it to God for His redemption and transformation. I was able to grieve over what had been stolen from me, and have empathy for myself in my feeble attempts to self protect, as well repent of those same feeble attempts, and allow God to take over in this department. He is afterall, our best Protector. And I was able to call up an attitude of forgiveness towards the one who taught me to obey at all costs, and move on. Had I not stayed with the feeling as well as with God while I was in the feeling, I doubt I ever would have been able to see this strong hold, to bring it to God for His tearing down.

If you do not allow a feeling to begin, it also will not end. And as you stay with these feelings and allow God His work in your heart, you will truly discover that even in that low place, you are still higher than where your highs used to be.