The Tension of "In the Middle"



I took a road trip this past weekend. Spent 9 hours each way, alone in my car, talking to God, listening to worship music, singing along, and contemplating His goodness, His graciousness and His overwhelming patience and mercy towards me. He truly is a life giver.


I took my journal on the journey (gee, I just got that...a journal is where we document our journey to date) and I read thru it, and was thoroughly reminded of His infinite love towards me and mine.

Here is an entry from December 4, 2007....

"I'm depressed. My mood is sour. I'm bored, I feel far far away from God and my daydreams turn to fantasies of being alone with a clean slate. Paul Tripp says being in the middle of anything is the hardest place to be. I thought about that, and he's so right. In the middle of a fight, in the middle of a loveless marriage, in the middle of a stagnant career, in the middle of redemption that doesn't feel very redeeming. We are caught in the in between, the middle between God's already and my not yet. God has already redeemed me but I'm not yet fully redeemed. God has already saved me but I'm not yet fully sanctified. God has already made me His daughter, with all the rights of His heir, but I'm not yet walking as an heir of the promise.

There is hope at the start - it's all new and full of happy expectations, thoughts and visions of what can be, certainly of what will be, then the middle happens and expectations and possibilities and dreams turn to realities that come up dashed and smashed. Disappointment and disillusionment replaces vision and hopeful anticipation.

There is even hope at the end - the tediousness has an end and anything must be better than this? But in the middle? Days feel same ole and change is long forgotten, seldom a process, certainly never an event. And am I the only one changing? If I'm being changed at all? Am I kidding myself about all this? Or, is it that I really am slowly being changed and am I finding so much dissatisfaction here in the middle because I long for the not yet? and am I the only doing so?

I'll fragment my mind if I stay on this path. My thoughts jumble and tumble, and there is tension in my chest when I think of being stuck here, in the middle. But never let me find contentment or that numbing kind of comfort in this middle. I'd rather be miserable striving for the not yet then numbly comfortable, stuck in the middle."

There was a time not so long ago where I felt that I was in a seemingly impossible circumstance. I felt lonely in my marriage, bored in my career, stagnant in my walk with God, ready to give up. Feeling the tension of being stuck in the middle, waiting for whatever it was my heart of hearts knew to keep hoping for, and this is one of the worst places to be. This is, in itself, a conflict that cannot be resolved...certainly, not by ourselves. All we can do is faithfully perservere, faithfully keep hoping, and faithfully do our best to trust. And pray...forgive my unbelief, forgive my distrust and help my unbelief and help my distrust. And when it's at it's worse, and we find ourselves running around like chickens with our heads cut off, asking "what should I do, what should I do?", this is when we most need to stop, change the question to "what do I want?" and be still, and know......the answer to that one is God.

And one more thing...a cliche maybe. In the impossible circumstances, do me a favour. Put a space in between the "m" and the "p" of impossible. What do you have? "I'm possible". And no, this is not some new age lie where you, " a little god ", makes all things possible. Rather, this is a challenge to the humble and the gracious, you children of God who are waiting in the tension of the middle; while you are there, see what is possible. See the possibility of what you can learn, how you can grow - it is possible, very possible, to mature here, in this place. And when you find yourself on the other side of middle, the side where you want to be, it is possible to take all that experience, and go join God is helping someone else thru their middle.

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