Gee, Sorry.

There is a significant difference between confession, and saying sorry.

Sadly, much like everything else in our "fast food" culture, we have equated saying sorry with confession. Saying sorry can be a face saving quick fix, whereas true confession takes humility and time. In our Western culture it seems that humility and time are in short supply.

It also occurs to me that saying sorry is more about me, as in "gee, sorry, ( I got caught ? ), can we now just put it behind us, pretend it didn't happen and carry on, please?"

By comparison, confession is more about the one that we've harmed, as in "what I did caused you pain (or whatever else the harm is) and how can I make amends, so we can truly grow in our relationship without pretense?"

This is the basis of scriptures that tell us to confess our sins to one another. Recognize that what you have done has caused harm, take ownership for it without excuse, and make an appropriate, in context amends. It naturally follows that restoration should result.

Nowhere do you see in scripture where we are extolled to simply apologize for our sin against another, though being sorry for our sin is definitely part of it. Somehow, we have substituted a somewhat self serving "I'm feeling sorry" - (usually because we got caught and now we don't like the consequence) - for an other serving "how can I take ownership for what I have done, and repair the harm I've caused", and chalk that up to confession. The trouble with this is that if the harm is such that a simple "I'm sorry" won't amend, we tend to get self righteous if the person we have harmed does not "forgive and forget" the way we expect them to, just because we said "I'm sorry".

The bible teachs us to "confess your sins to one another" and "forgive one another" and it goes hand in hand that forgiveness both precedes and follows confession. I am called to forgive you - always - in fact, just as we were forgiven at the Cross, before we were even born and while we were yet sinners - so are we called to forgive "while they are yet sinners". In otherwords, even before the one who harms us has come to confess his/her sin, we are called to forgive them. This forgiveness does not manifest itself into a restored, and blessed relationship however, until there has been confession. This is just like the forgiveness our Father granted us. God the Father forgave us at the very moment on the Cross, when Jesus prayed, "forgive them Father, they know not what they do". However, none of us enjoyed the blessing that came with that forgiveness - love, joy, peace, and freedom - until after we actually accepted it. Much the same, while we don't withhold forgiveness until confession, the one who has harmed us does not fully enjoy restored and free relationship with us until they have "released" the forgiveness we already give them, with their confession.

By contrast, if all I hear is "gee, I'm sorry", my struggle remains to fully and freely forgive, even though I am called to forgive you regardless of whether you have confessed or not. This is because the story I tend to tell myself is "you're only sorry you got caught, and have no idea how this has actually hurt me". You are never fully released because I have never fully, truly forgiven. The potential is that because of our respective sin natures, deep seeded grudges take root, and relationships never grow to their true, deep potential; both parties are in peacefaking mode, and there is no freedom in that. True confession results in true forgiveness, and there is life in both.

So, I encourage you...the next time you are prompted by the Holy Spirit to go and make it right with your brother or sister, try saying more than just "I'm sorry". Pray for clarity about how your sin actually affected them, reflect back to them how you think they were wounded, and ask them what you can do to make it right. Be geniunely curious about them, and together, walk out forgiveness and the restoration that results.