Peace Treatments

 I don't for a second consider myself an expert about the Palestinian - Israeli conflict.  My understanding is limited to what I've heard and read which may or may not put me in the know, though I want to know ... both sides, versus refusing to know because I think I already know, like some who have already chosen sides.  In the last few weeks my Instragram feed has been full of images of conflict between nationalist Israeli settlers and Palestinians being encroached upon.   Here's what I think I know ...  Israeli nationalists believe the land is theirs; that they inhabited it first as promised by Yahweh, and that the only reason they weren't in it until roughly the 1940's,  was because they were dispersed out of the land by conquering Christians hundreds of years ago.  They believe God has beckoned them back to the land of promise and anyone who took up residence while they were dispersed need make room for them. Hence, they are justified to sett...

 We took our oldest granddaughter camping this weekend.  Spending the weekend with a 10 year old without her parents can be eye opening.  Those fears about whether or not you did a good job as a parent can find an answer in time spent with a grandchild; my daughter is raising this gem and somehow, perhaps selfishly, perhaps wrongly, it feels like at least a wee bit of it reflects on me.  Does my daughter have her questions about the kind of mother she is?  Is she getting it right despite me, or not getting it right because of me?  The legacy of motherhood nevers seems to settle into a compassionate accepting space of knowing you did the best you knew to do and all that is left is to wing it with grace through any generational fall out. That said, I'm thinking my daughter must be doing a fine job at this motherhood thing because my granddaughter taught me a very powerful lesson today, and she doesn't even know it.  As we were on our way back home, we ha...

 Have you been feeling it, this disturbance in Creation?   Things are unsettled. Think back to December 2019, when we first heard about a strange new virus on the other side of the world and fast forward to today.   All that has happened in between? Covid and variants, waves 1 thru to 4, where we're at now in my little of the corner of the world But there's also polarization over politics, left v right;   over masks,  for v against;  over vaccines, yes v no  over refugees, let them in v keep them out  over race, critical race theory v no such thing as white privilege over faith, Christian nationalism, civic religion v deconstructed spirituality, contemplative ways And somehow it's all become conflated. Then there are the children; they have found children's graves at - so far 3 - residential schools  in Canada and there will be more.   Painful as this is, the torch of justice and the spirit of reconciliation have been...

Flattery is telling someone what you think they want to hear in order to manipulate them to your way. Compliment is telling someone something positive about them and may or may not have self serving motives behind it.  Perhaps you genuinely do think they have the best laugh or nicest smile and you simply want them to know that, no sticky motives about it. Neither of these is encouragement. Encouragement is defined as the act of giving someone support, confidence or hope.  There is a strengthening component to encouragement.  Someone is downcast, discouraged and about to give up and you come along with support, which strengthens their confidence and helps instill some hope in them.   Renewed confidence and hope equate to courage, so in a sense, encouraging someone is giving them courage. I used to think that this sort of encouragement had to be done with words, words that spoke truth and life and went to the core of someone's soul, shining light into da...

It's been over 2 years since I last posted a blog  on here. In that time I've moved to a small interior town in the province where I live.  My new town is nestled at the end of an arm on a large lake.  The lake fronts the town while a mountain has it's back.  It's lovely here, and quite the change of pace from the big city. In that time I completed a post graduate diploma in Christian studies from a theological seminary only to be bitten by the bug so that now said diploma forms the first half of another MA.  It's occurred to me that sustainable and transformative peace building entails more than understanding the theories and being competent at the practices of conflict management; on the contrary sustainable peace building need involve the heart, spirit, soul of a person.  Hence, the integration of spiritual formation and spiritual direction into my peace building practice. In that time I stopped colouring my hair and am now a white haired grandmo...

The first time some one suggested that I, as a white female settler person, experienced an inherent privilege, I was offended. My instinctual defensiveness rallied to assert that I came from a broken home, a violent home, certainly not a well-to-do cushy home.  The circumstances of my childhood and teen years led to poor choices, including substance use and not finishing school; for a period I was homeless - not roofless - but homeless nonetheless and unemployed and living off the good graces of family and friends.  How did that make me privileged? Several years later, when pondering my violent history in comparison to the violent histories of my First Nations female friends, I came to the conclusion that my whiteness lent my experience of violence and sexual abuse a different, more positive, more strengthened outcome. You see, in my case the violence and abuse were not systemic; I may have been caught in the quicksand of  familial violence and sexual abuse, but had...

Was in an Alternative to Violence community circle not that long ago. Talk about a mixed crowd. Talk about a smack up the side of the head kind of learning experience. Talk about walking out of a room never quite the same. I met a woman who most would label a crack head. She told me a story about how when she was on the streets, one day she felt an overwhelming sadness and despair. She sat on the corner of Hastings and Main and cried and cried and cried, and people walked past. She said if just one person had of stopped and looked at her, seen her person hood and ask her how they could help, she would have felt like she was not so alone. She would not have attempted to take her life that day. Now many years later, she has found her purpose, and the love of another, is in recovery and struggling to recapture the dreams she once held, intentional about making them come true. I thanked her for honoring me, for letting me into her circle and telling me her story. From now on I will ste...

This week things got ugly in Charlottesville, NC, less ugly in Boston and Quebec City, and only slightly ugly in Vancouver. All 3 cities had alt-right, white supremacist rallies, allegedly spurred by the removal of confederate and/or colonialist monuments (so then why the shouts against Jews?),  and immigration. These protests and counter-protests got me thinking about being white, about being an egalitarian white woman who "prides" herself on appreciating the diversity and uniqueness of each human she meets, regardless of where they were born or the colour of their skin. But is that true? Am I really that? Having been born in 1962, in a decidedly  WASP neighbourhood, my first recollection of "others" were the Italian new immigrant family that moved next door. While I played with Anna-Maria and her brother Joe,  I recall my step-father saying what seemed like mean things about their father, but as a 6 year old, had no grid for standing up to him or up for ot...

She hears His voice He says she is dreaming That's not how God does things You have it all wrong Confused Second guessing Heart pressing In On old wounds She discerns a call He says she is wrong God doesn't call women And if He did it wouldn't be you Hurt Second guessing Heart pressing In On old angers She was a high school drop out, sexual assault survivor, who spent years in the healing trenches, living life severed and scared, but nonetheless Raised two children who are vibrant and life and love and laughter Built a career that gives and gives and gives Went  back to school the late bloomer that she is...becoming Completed graduate school Jumped before any nets appeared Intent on being an instrument of the sort that brings life Not much by way of grand accomplishments but something she cherishes nonetheless And yet... He's never read one of her papers, essays, short stories or poems. Has never said she looks pretty or that he thi...

You ever get a single thought that pops into your head during the most mundane task, and suddenly you're downloading an entire theme seemingly out of no where?  This morning, while coiffing for church, the idea of a king's court popped into my head... followed by a barrage of thoughts that suggested today's present way of gathering for church emerged directly out of the king and court culture of Christendom, and beyond. Hope you can track with me here... Picture today's typical evangelical church.  There's a head pastor, surrounded by a team of associates, surrounded by a team of elders and/or board members, surrounded by a team of engaged, involved volunteers and supportive members, surrounded by church-goers, the common folk who remain, for the most part, relatively disengaged, more like spectators in an audience. Generally speaking, evangelicalism emerged out of the Reformation. Picture yesteryear's typical European  country where the Reformatio...

I'm a silversmith. By hobby, not trade. By trade, I'm a conflict management specialist - coaching, training, facilitating reconciliation, mediating and just coming alongside people in conflict and out of conflict are what I like to do. And not just conflict as people think of it - disputes, fights and discord - but also the inner conflict that arises up within one's being from  adversity and trauma and other things that catch us off guard and unawares. So, what does silversmithing have to do with conflict - or adversity and other things that press in on us, for that matter? A lot actually - if you follow the metaphor. See the picture here? Those are rings that I made out of the raw plate silver that you see underneath them. Raw plate silver isn't very pretty. Nor does it have much of a purpose.  As plate, it just sort of sits there. But when I take a saw to it and cut it down or into patterns, then a hammer or a mallet to shape it into place, something...

Nothing prepares you for the sudden realization that things don't always turn out the way you hoped, expected or thought you deserved. Nothing prepares you for loving a person for who they are one day, only to have to learn to love them all over again for who they are not, the next. Nothing prepares you for the unbearable idea of possibly loosing and grieving someone who is still alive, or the even more unbearable fear of wondering if they'll be alive when you come home from work today. Nothing prepares you for the utter and complete surprise of mental illness; for the chaos it brings to your marriage, for the pain of watching a loved one suffer, for the nasty voices in your own head that tell you it was your fault, for the fear and uncertainty. Maybe nothing prepares you but once you're in where you were never prepared to be, there might not be a way out, but there is a way to be there that isn't quite so  hard. At least sometimes. To sound cliche, welcome ...

Life has a way of whipping on past with barely a notice. That's what happened to 2016. Started the year with a new position in a new company, feeling sheepish to be going back to the marketplace, and now the year is gone. The sheepishness is too. Not sure what's replaced it though. This was a tough year. Not half as tough as it was for some of my loved ones, but tough enough. I lost an uncle.  That hurt, mostly because of what he represented to me...a safe loving male adult. Having not seen too many of those growing up, his was a special kind of role,  modeled well. He is well missed, and while I'm sad for my aunt and cousins, am happy for the surety that we will indeed see him again. I lost sight of a goal and a dream. That hurt, mostly because of what that represented to me...as one who has struggled all my life with starting and not finishing, was this just another abandoned "project"?  But I am realizing that timing for things like vocations, dreams, a...

Almost 2 years ago, when I announced I was leaving my previous career of 25 some odd years to launch my own conflict resolution practice, the cheers and congratulatory salutations were numerous and loud.  I was told I was courageous, had a sure thing, and would be a resounding success. Can't  count how many people told me they wished they could also leave their careers to pursue some dream...if only they were as certain about what that dream was, as I was.  It was all heady stuff. Fast forward to today...having blown through the savings that was to cushion the transition, and having completed only a few trainings, arbitrations, workshops and seminars, I am going back to fulltime work in the industry that I'd left.  The congratulations are sounding not so nearly as exuberant as for when I quit...at least not through the lens of what feels like a humbled and contrite heart. But gee, did I learn a lot! First, when you have a dream, go for it. That's the poi...

How often do you think about the words you use - not only those words that become defaults when in conflict, but also those words used in every day conversation?  I've been thinking a lot about words lately. It amazes me how the simple turn of a phrase can lead from impasse to insight, and from resistance to buy in. Most people agree words are important; conflict practitioners understand the value in neutral words, coaches understand the impact words have on perspective and faith healers will argue that your words create your reality. There are indeed words that hold the ability to influence and motivate others and when pondering why they are effective, it occurs to me that motivating words don't hold judgement, and therefore, people remain open to the  sense of possibilities these words generate. Here's a comparative example.... "Attend this workshop.  It will make you a better ___________" versus "People who ha...

Watching the Republican leadership race and listening to the rhetoric of Trump and his supporters,  I've been struck with a sense that there is an undercurrent of something quite distasteful in the culture of that particular demographic that I've not been able to put my finger on. It "feels" hostile, bitter, and contagious and I think I've finally stumbled upon a word that best describes it... ressentiment.    Not resentment...but ressentiment, a French word that suggests a malady in the human spirit that carries with it resentment integrated with contempt, but a contemptuous resentment that is born out of frustration with self that emerges as blame towards others. It's like an infection and has much to do with un-justified indignation that one is unable to obtain that which one envies and covets, particularly when they envy and covet from those they see as  rivals. Ressentiment convinces one that they are an underdog, especi...

When it comes to transforming conflict, whether that be one's own interior conflict or an exterior conflict with other people or even circumstances, so much starts with willingness. What is your WQ?  How does your willingness stack up against your willfulness, particularly when it comes to engaging in the kind of  personal change often necessitated by, in, because of, and through your conflicts? Over the course of my conflict coaching practice, I've seen people land on the realization that they need to undertake some real heart and attitude change, only to almost immediately decry "but why should I be the one who has to......?!"   It seems to me that there is a constant tension between our willingness to learn and change attitudes, mindsets and behaviors and our willfulness to stay self-protecting behind them. This tension between willingness and willfulness manifests itself most obviously in one's default response to being legitimately conf...

One of the components of SHADE (c) is Discernment.  The idea is that when a person is in the midst of a difficult situation, whether it be a conflict, a critical incident, or some hard choice to make, we need wisdom and discernment.  Often it is hard to hear the "still small voice" in the midst of stress and chaos, and certainly making decisions during these same times can be next to impossible.  Even if the decisions come relatively easy, there's the second guessing to deal with. The discernment piece of SHADE involves having at least 1 or 2 others help in these moments when clarity and trust are needed, and I envision compassionate witnessing being the mode with which they do this.  Compassionate witnessing flows out of restorative practices, and specifically, restorative responses to adversity and trauma.  It entails two people having a facilitated conversation that is witnessed by two others.  When the conversation is over, the two witnesses then ta...

John Paul Lederach is one of my favourite teachers relative to conflict and peace building.  His ideas around peace building flow out of a non violent Anabaptist tradition.  The more I study non violence in all it's forms - from the obvious (war) to the not so obvious (how we perceive and name those who get in our way or fail to meet our expectations - idiot, fool, selfish, jerk, loser, and much worse - and those we blame for our own feelings of upset, anger and frustration)  - the more it's principles and ideals take hold in my heart. So, I was reading Lederach's "Reconcile" for notes on a course I'm giving on high conflict persons, and was fascinated by his particular theory of the foundation for conflict.  While I've read many theories on conflict, including theological ones relative to human conflict starting in the garden, Lederach's take synthesizes them with profoundly simple clarity. Essentially, at Creation,...

Having asked a question about memorialization to a class not that long ago, I continue to ponder the distinctions. For example, what is the distinction between "lest we forget" and "make them remember".  I'm thinking of the annual memorial services in Rwanda every April, where in some cases,  Hutu are asked to stand next to the Tutsi who forgave them and recall and reiterate their deeds.  The story I tell myself is that two harms are occurring here - the one who forgave gains some sort of false sense of nobility while the one who is forgiven gains another real dose of shame. Forgiveness is something I think about a lot.  And I've said this before - there is a distinction between my deigning to forgive because it benefits me, as if taking the high road renders me better than.  But that was and is never what forgiveness was meant to be.  I still can't help thinking that forgiveness is intended to release the offender from shame, return them their dig...